Blocked Up

Updated: Mar 20, 2021

I’ve been putting off writing this for a couple days now. I just haven’t been able to get my thoughts in order or rather I haven’t wanted to. Sometimes you never really know where to begin.

I had some good quotes about this week that I should have written down. They might have even made me seem wise and sage-like, lol. In my some of tweets I talk about the human condition or just the struggles of life in general. I mean let’s be honest, life is hard.

We spend each working toward something or worse yet, we are working toward nothing at all. We live our days surviving, running this race and trying to make sense of it. We try to make that just enough, when part of us feels like there is something more.

This past week I’ve had a lot to think about and observe. Some of it has been a personal reflection while also being an observation about others. It all comes back to one statement, “Life is hard”.

Now, to be clear and before I go any further, I feel like I need to say that I am not sitting is a pool of self-pity or despair. I’m not downing on myself. I’m simply looking back at what I’ve see and experienced and sharing my thoughts. After all, that is the name of this blog, lol.

So, one of my biggest reflections is just how deeply life can wound us. I’d like to say that, ‘Wounds heal and scars fade’, but while agree the latter is true, the former is much more complicated. I don’t think they truly fade, not without some sort of active choice on our part.

For example, I have a friend who is a councilor of sorts. He helps people work through their issues. Sometimes when we talk, things I had forgotten about come up. Some of them buried so deep I never realized how much they were affecting me now.

It’s crazy to think about stuff from so far back in our pasts can have a powerful effect on our futures. They determine how we see others, how we think others and sometimes force us to imagine things that untrue. They make us create false realities and situations in our minds. From these realities we begin to believe the lies and before we know it, a devastating trail is left in our wake.

For me one such example recently was about trust. I was faced a situation that was so similar to something that happened to me years ago. Now, this was something I had convinced myself was dealt with. Truthfully though, that scar hadn’t faded. It was simply buried and forgotten.

So, I find myself sitting, thinking circumstances over and over, knowing the present situation isn’t like the one in the past. Yet the hurt is fighting feverishly to convince me that the same thing is happening again. So, what do you do?

That’s the hard question isn’t it. I mean, no one wants the fool or appear foolish. We all want to know if we have just cause to wary, whatever the situation may be. It’s good to try and protect yourself, but there comes a point where we must make a choice.

My dad would be rolling with laughter at my next admission, but I think he’s honestly right. It’s simply a choice. While circumstances can be forced on us, at some point we must choose to be better than the circumstance that hurt us. We also must choose to not allow ourselves to create a circumstance in which we are hurt.

We all have scars and pain, it’s an unfortunate part of life. Choosing how to manage them is really the only way to heal. In my case, I had to step up and trust the other person. I had to set my feelings aside. Because if I can’t trust them with that circumstance, how can I ever trust anyone else?

If we live our lives holding onto our pain and scars, we’re kind of like pipe system. Our scars and pains are like hairballs and sludge that overtime, creates a blockage. Sure, some things are still able to flow through and slip past the blockage allowing us to be ‘functional’, but we really aren’t operating like we need to be. Eventually the blockage becomes so thick, that we can’t even function at all.

Making that crucial choice, to forgive, trust or whatever the situation properly calls for is the only way to clean yourself out. It’s the only way to become a whole person again. Even if the things that have happened feel unfair or justified, holding onto them only keeps you a prisoner to yourself.

Letting go is like Drano, it breaks through the crap in your pipes. It takes the pressure of your body and lightens the soul. It’s never easy, but it is liberating. After all I’ve seen and experienced this week, it’s really the only choice we have, matter how unfair it might seem.

That other person or circumstance only has as much power over you as you are willing to give. The life you live, as hard as it may be, is yours to live not theirs. You can only control you, so be the best you that you can be today. Live not like you were, but as you who want to be. We become what we envision about ourselves. (Been listening to a lot of Eric Thomas this week haha)

For what’s worth, I’m the first one to say it’s much easier to say and harder to practice. It does however work. Sometimes it a lot of time, but every step forward is a step closer to being free of the past, and stronger when facing the future. I hope this helps this morning. I’ve been up since 3 A.M. with all this swirling in my head. Have a great weekend.


Matt Brown

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