• Matt Brown

Looking back

I haven’t posted one of these in a while, but it’s been a strange week for me. Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a lot of changes taking place in my life. Like many of you, I’ve had to work through ‘Coronageddon’, as I call it. Like some of you, I’ve been in the thick of it because of my job.


With world been in a buzz and with fear and panic prevalent, I don’t know if I’ve really had a lot of time to reflect like used to. At least, until this week. I haven’t been scared or anything. Honestly, my focus has mainly been about work, both for my day job and my craft.


Working with the public, especially now, I’ve seen so much craziness. It’s useful data as a writer. You get to witness people at their worst and most unreasonable; precautions and safety notwithstanding. For myself and the people I work with, I don’t think the pressure or expectations to provide a service to the public has ever been greater. I also think for us, the drain on our spirits has never been more telling.


Personally, I decided that I needed a change. My writing was suffering, and I had reached a place where I couldn’t stomach opening my laptop. Changing jobs wasn’t an option and isn’t an option. No matter what, something had to give.


Eventually, an opportunity presented itself. I had emailed my boss. It was short and simple. I honestly didn’t know what would come of it, but my expectations weren’t too high. I’m not a fan of bureaucracy. I believe people should up upfront, not tiptoeing about what they should say.

To my surprise, something happened. I was presented with a new position that the company was starting considering the current state of the world. It meant a pay cut, but the workload would be considerably less demanding. At first I was skeptical, but as I listened to what my boss and her assistant were saying, I had a feeling. So, I said yes. The job was an immediate change and started in two days.


Bringing everything to the present and this past week. My position has dramatically changed not only my attitude toward where I work, but has given me the time I need to focus on my career as a writer. The load has been so much lighter and as this week comes to a close; I look back and I feel a peace that I haven’t known in a while.


Editing was such a nightmare. I would stress over the comments I’d receive from betas and get deeply stuck in my head. The second guessing myself was constant. I had reminders of how far behind I was on my personal goals for the year and how I need to step up my game if I wanted to get anywhere.


As I sit here, I realize how much I was burying myself under an impossible weight. I was making unreasonable demands of myself. It was taking hold of my attitude and affecting life. The last few weeks have been eye opening and I’ve rediscovered what I really love about writing. It’s like whatever was out of balance in my life finally leveled off and I can see where I’m heading.


I’m told I smile all the time now and I seem strangely different. I’ve stopped being as much of a recluse and started interacting more with people around me. Everything just feels different. I have a confidence when I edit I never had before. I’m not worried, it just feels ‘right’.


You might think: “So what, you’re happy.” As I write this though, I think that the power to change what’s wrong in life first starts with changing ourselves, and our circumstances. Set goals, pursue them and step beyond where you are. It’s scary for sure, but staying stagnant in a place where you aren’t moving forward is far worse. It’s miserable.


But only we have the power to make the change. No one will do it for us. That email was the first step for me. I never imagined how dramatic a turnaround it would become. I also never imagined I could ever be so hopeful about the future either.


Sure, not everyone will like what I write. A few will probably hate it or even troll me for it. That’s okay. That’s life. I’ll still move forward. I’ll still work on becoming better as a writer.


Regardless, wherever you are and what it is you do. If you aren’t happy, find a way to change it. It’s won’t be easy and isn’t always simple. It will probably be easier said than done. The power still lies with you. Your choice and ability to push that stone blocking the way rests in you. I you find my words helpful. I wish you a glorious week.


Regards,

Matt

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