Staring At My Mountain

Updated: Mar 20, 2021

Posted on 8/27 from my old site

I’ve been stressing a bit today, trying to sort out which direction to go in. I know I talked about it last week a little, but my anxiety is growing. I did the math, it’s been six months since the conference and I haven’t spoken a word to either agent since I left there.

I find myself asking the same questions, “What if I took too long?, What if my numbers on social media turn them away?, What if even after all the sleepless nights and hours, the changes I’ve made to the series has meant nothing?”

Some of my thoughts processes has come from that fact I have been doing a lot of things wrong. Most of it is because of inexperience. Now, with everything I have worked so hard for so close to being finished, I find myself filled with dread.

What led me to this was my meeting with a marketing agency over the weekend, it was so exciting. The thing is, I learned about what I hadn’t been doing that I could have accomplished had I known. The hardest part is the money it will cost.

It’s not like it isn’t a worthwhile investment, because it will get me further than I could on my own, it’s simply the sheer immensity of what I’m reaching for. As a result I’ve started looking at doing videos reading some of my work, finding an artist to do illustrations of the creatures that exist in my world and making animated videos if at all possible.

So when I sit back and add up the cost I feel my chest tighten a bit. I wonder if these things are something an author looking to self-publish would do or something all authors should be doing? Will my efforts deter or encourage a publisher? Will the agents frown and walk away?

You can see where this is going. There is so much to consider. A certain person in my life would tell me to stop overthinking and breathe. She’s right of course, but I am the complicated mess that is me.

The best decision I think I can make is preparation. I have a check I’ve made to help bring some order to the chaos. First on the list is to finish the books. Once then is done, I’m emailing the agents, for better or worse. After that I’m going to start tackling social media and get the blog fixed. I have to get this thing figured out. Above all I need to be patient.

With the videos I have a good idea of what I want to do, thought admittedly I’m nervous about being on camera. But it will mean I’m going to be using Facebook a lot more than I have been. I’m looking forward to growing and introducing people to my work. I think I’m especially excited about seeing the monsters, races and landscapes I envision finally brought to life.


Matt Brown

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