• Matt Brown

The Beast of Insecurity

Posted on 7/2 from my original site

There are times when you think you’ve dealt with your past or an issue that has plagued you for a long time. Then, in a moment it strikes. That thing that you thought was no longer holding you back hits you and it hits hard.


It leaves you crippled, hurting to the point of tears and sitting there wondered where to go. It hits especially hard when change is on the horizon. It’s because change brings with it new challenges, new fears and new responsibilities. With these new things it also brings back whatever issues you may have struggled with in a brand new way.


For me it was insecurity, being able to trust someone so completely, to be vulnerable enough to let them in. I’ve known insecurity for a long time, I’ve built a wall to defend against it, to protect myself from really being hurt.


I’ve learned how to be numb and empty to things to block being emotional enough to let those things hurt me. But with recent events in my life, I’m having to take this wall down and entrust someone else with the things I keep the most hidden.


It’s frightening, because while we always get a glimpse of insecurity we never realize how much of an ugly massive beast it really is. How it stares you down with its feral, hateful eyes. How the drool hangs from its toothy maw. How it’s sleek muscular frame moves so silently behind us, whispering the worst lies we can imagine about ourselves or others.


Then it latches on, digging its claws deeper into our souls, tearing at us and leaving horrible scars. To stare it down, to see it so clearly face to face you feel powerless. You know that it lies, that it feeds on your pain from these lies, but yet you can’t stop listening.


So how do fight? How do you beat it? How do you get a grasp of how immense this monster is so when you find the courage to stand, you can see how small it will become? There are different ways and each of us has to find the best method.


For me music is a huge help, I have a specific playlist for when I start feeling this way. My faith plays a part in it, it’s my anchor. Sometimes it helps to just talk. Talking always helps give you clarity, at least for me is does. Sometimes talking to the source of your insecurity is the best way.


Sometimes and maybe it seems nuts, but speaking to the issue and countering the lie with the truth is another way. We often allow our minds to conjure the most inaccurate facts about a situation. We let the hurt seep in and from there it becomes a roller-coaster of twists and turns that we never wanted to be on.


I remember how it felt, it was like a shadow standing over me, I couldn’t focus on work, I was practically on autopilot. I let my thoughts swirl with the lies and imaginings of my own imagination. I was nearly in tears.


I was starting insecurity in the face, it’s inhuman eyes blinking maliciously. It knew it had me and was simply taking it’s time. I don’t remember when I decided to fight back, but I put my ears buds in. Then ‘Boom’, the first song started and it was exactly what I needed to hear. The list randomized by the way.


When it was all over, I felt like I had been in a dark tunnel and I was just coming into the light. I also felt like something had bitten a huge chunk out of me emotionally. It was exhausting. All that fear and worry was for nothing, because in the end I knew the truth.


Regardless, when insecurity catches us, it’s hard to escape, but when we find what works it gets easier. If your curious about the song I listened, I’ll have go find it, but it spoke about fighting against the odds, reminding you of who you are and where you are going. You don’t have to settle for the status quo. I think it’s called ‘Move’ the artist’s name is Toby Mac. It’s quickly become one of my favorites.


Well I hope all of you had a good weekend and moving forward I hope you have a great week. Thursday I’ll be picking up where the duel between Akallis and the war trolls chieftain left off. If you like what you’re reading and you want to keep updated, please feel free to click the subscribe button at the top of this post. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedules to stop by.


Regards,

Matt Brown

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